There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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