I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
