You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
