Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
