She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just pee around me
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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