I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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