If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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