I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
They took my balls.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
