Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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