she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
