i already hear my dad disowning me
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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