It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
