He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
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I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
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Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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