His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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