Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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