There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
