Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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