I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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