He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
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