chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
