Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
