We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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