i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
