Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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