You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
