if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
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you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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