flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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