You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
