Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
