Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
