The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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