yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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