6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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