I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
