I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
