so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
