Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
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