ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
