M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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