Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom