I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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