I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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