My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
