listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
