Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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