I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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