sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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