HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
