I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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