As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
