He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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