i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
