____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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