I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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