Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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