I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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