I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I fill condoms, not promises.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
