According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
