I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
