There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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