if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
